I've got so much to tell you --- about an amazing weekend I had with four wonderful friends ---- but I KNOW you're dying for the True Tori recap from Tuesday.......whose format was changed to a Q + A sit down with Tori, then Dean, then Tori and Dean together, then Dr. Wexler (couples therapist to the stars) and then their friends (eek!!) and then.....grand finale of them all ---- you're going to DIE!

I was pretty upset when I went back to my DVR and realized that the show had been deleted so this if mostly from memory --- nothing to go back and hone my material with! Darn! (Brian, did you delete my show??? Confess!)

OK --- so the show opens in yet another well appointed living room in Tori and Dean's house with their well appointed chairs and classic furnishings. Oh, to have a reality show and cash some checks!!! Anyway ---- they are going to be interviewed by Brooke Anderson who is all business but also way, way too nice. I wish Oprah was there to give this couple a grilling!!

Tori is sitting on the couch first and gets the first round of questions --- why'd you do the show? how are you today? where's the relationship today ? Why are the  kids in this show?

I just WISH she'd simply say, "I need a paycheck. Bad news is still news in the land of show biz, so I went for it." Instead it's all about how she's taking her "power" and "telling her story" and how her kids are going to watch the show when they're older (18!) and understand the tough journey their parents have been on. Well, Tori, you will need to keep doing this show b/c the therapy bills for your kids are going to be SKY HIGH (if they aren't already!).

And the dreaded question comes up ---- "Do you think Dean has done this before? Are you ready to ask him....tonight......on this score some high ratings?" Tori, gently carries a wisp of dyed platinum blond hair behind her hair and whispers...."yes".

Cut to commercial.

Ok --- now DEAN is on the couch. Totally different vibe. Tough Brooke is going to show no mercy. Did I mention a stylist got hold of Dean? He's cleaned up his look....a bit. Darkened the hair, brushed it, refined the 5 o'clock shadow with a razor and added a pair of handsome glasses. I'm telling you, nothing changes the mood than a pair of glasses! Is this same schmuck? Don't worry --- it is.

For the sake of you not spending HOURS reading my blog --- let me again, keep it to the highlights.

In a break between filming (the cameras are still rolling, what a shock!) --- Tori walks over to Brooke and says that it's not the right time to confront Dean about other women. She reassures Brooke that she has found her voice and this questione will be asked. Brooke is like an old girlfriend with a positive hand squeeze, and some supportive words. Again, Tori tucks that hair back and does a quick lip pucker. All is well.

It's so ridiculous that the friends are interviewed. The Best Friend of Tori's is a gay man whose been by her side for 25 years. And then there's a couple that's married with no kids that has also been there for Tori during the turmoil. Keep in mind no one has children. And as any parent knows --- getting hard hitting marriage advice from people that don't have kids is so freaking annoying.

And I'm pretty sure Dr. W is self medicating. She's too serene.  Too calm. Again.... a bit annoying.

Just when I thought --- this show is so lame tonight. (because the other nights weren't ha!) Dean has a surprise! What could it be? I mean think about it.....if the man you loved and shared four kids with had cheated on you and you were in the process of forgiveness, etc --- what would be a really great surprise? A tatoo with the wedding vows you'd written for him at your wedding? YES!! You guessed it!!

Dean has the vows Tori wrote for him tattooed on his left side. (apparently she has his on her left side). They are hideous. Absolutely hideous.

There's more much more.

He also has a Tattoo above his penis. TORI'S

Yes -- That's right. He has had and had during his 2 day affair a tattoo declaring that his anatomy belongs completely to his wife. Uh-huh.

Now how drunk and hopped up on drugs do you have to be to be getting busy with a married celebrity and not get the h*ll out of the hotel room when you see a tattoo like that?

And maybe -- maybe the lights were out and she was so bombed she thought it said TOUCH or something --- I'm just speculating ---- but there was a second day to this affair. They had to have sobered up at sometime, right? This mystery woman, Emily G., had dollar signs in her eyes!!! Cha-ching. I'm waiting for the photos to come out ---- somewhere they exist.

And by the way --- Brooke did ask the couple --- was this whole thing fake? so many people have tried to Google Emily and can't find a thing about her.

I find that creepy and funny at the same time --- that as a society we run to our Google to find out our facts.

Anyway Dean, thankfully, says that "people get their identities scrubbed off the internet all the time." Oh, Ok Dean thanks --- that 's called the Witness Protection Plan and the average person would have no clue how to erase themselves off of Facebook, etc. It's not a simple SCRUB button. My guess is this woman figured her money plans were backfiring and had to get some serious help --- think dark alleys of Canada where identities are scrubbed.

Oh Gosh --- this is long --- sorry.

The last tid bit which made the whole, painful hour worthwhile is Dean's SECOND surprise.

Yes --- that's right ---- he's got ANOTHER one! Even Tori seems a bit taken aback.

And it doesn't disappoint. It's a song.  A ballad. About love. and betrayal. and scrubbing identities....oops no, no identity scrubbing.

"Broken Trust For A Dance With Lust"

I can't read her. I think, she's thinking, "Got to go through with to......need more hair bills.....keep smiling."

His voice is all warbly and it's just so bad that it's good. I cringed. I laughed. I will watch next week.