I have a BIG one. I have a new show. Well, sort of. It's no Downton Abbey!

OK, I'm just going to say it ---- please don't judge me too harshly ---- TRU TORI.

Whhhaaaaatttt? You don't know it? Or you blocked it out of your mind when the hideous trailer for it came on?

Look --- I'm no Tori Spelling fan. I'm not anything about her. She had her glory days as an actress on 90210 and I've seen her face on People. That's about it. Buuuutttt......when True Detective ended and I was "between shows", I did a little channel surfing and I got sucked in. Like a black hole. Real black. Dark. and Dirty.

So.....just in case you weren't up on your B- level celebrity gossip --- Tori Spelling and her husband Dean Something were in the tabloids in late December of 2013. With four kids, all under the age of 6, Dean went to Canada for a show and had a crazy 2 day affair with some young slut.... ooops I mean woman.

Naturally, what he thought he could get away with hit him with a vengeance when the young lady decides to "come forward" to the tabloids and give all the seedy details of their weekend. And this comes on the heels of Dean's failing battle with alcohol and drugs.

Merry Christmas Spelling-Something family! Dean is in a 3 month rehab facility and Tori is going to hold the fort down for a LONG time.

Can you imagine? Sucks right? Well, I got to give it to Tori --- she knows when she can make a sort of honest buck. Sure she's going to expose herself, her husband and her kids to the entire world, but hey ---- kuddos to being able to take lemons and make lemonade.

On the first episode, Tori comes out and sits cross legged on a GORGEOUS, tufted leather couch. It's in one of the many rooms of her home. And someone has tidied up ---- the place looks amazing. And girl, Tori hasn't missed a day at the salon. Her bleach blond hair is straightened to perfection. Not a root in sight. And those puffed up lips are colored and glossed. As the make-up person touches her up --- because this is just a simple reality show after all --- she relaxes the crew by saying, "please don't feel sorry for me, OK?"

Um. Yeah. Don't worry yourself Tori. As they cash their check I'm sure that is the LAST feeling they have.

What I love, is there is either not enough meat to this show or someone genuinely feels it's necessary to keep running quick clips of past photos. A grainy ten second video of Tori and Dean's wedding. Deep passionate kisses. Holding a baby. Grins. Cute picture of adult feet and children's feet. Now back to skeletal Tori dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. Seriously, after every commercial break --- and there are a lot ---- we have to endure these pictures and videos.

So, I'm going to sum up the past few episodes --- a lot of crying. Visits with the couple in their couples therapy. Then we are treated to some explosive conversations. Turns out Dean was having suicidal thoughts. Turns out Tori still loves him but has known for years that there's a "Dark Side" which Dean refers to as Dean-o. I'm not kidding. I can't make this stuff up. Each of them has moments of wanting to get out and hating the other because this is just too hard. Then there are the teary moments where they know they can make it through this. Then we watch them try to shuffle through a very odd celebrity life.

For example ---- apparently no one has to go to work. There is zero structure to their day --- other than the kids go to school. They have a beautiful house, a pool, and some fancy cars. They have friends who show up sometimes. They throw their son a birthday party. But I have yet to see anyone come home from a hard day at work. I get that actors don't have 9-5 days, but I can't figure out how they spend their time. More rehab? They don't show any cleaning people, but I don't think Tori has the physical strength to hold a toilet brush. That girl looks anorexic on camera so God knows how she looks in real life. So --- someone must be coming in to clean, right?

Anyway, I could write forever. What strikes a chord on this show is Tori --- she's actually a sweet person. And when she talks about how she's holding it together, taking care of kids, etc. I have to laugh because it's what any woman says when she's in that time of her life. Even with all the celebritiness ---- she's dealing with the same emotional sh*t every Mother deals with ---- the same time juggling challenges --- the same issues of defining yourself while being a good Mom --- trying to work on a marriage while feeling tired -----

Hey, don't get me wrong --- her deck is stacked in her favor. And may I remind you all that don't know this little nugget of truth: both Dean and Tori were married and cheated on their spouses with each other. One film set later they were deep in love, filing divorce papers and on the way to the Fairytale of a Lifetime Channel. So, you can't feel too bad.

I've skipped out on Dean, who is a train wreck. He's gained some weight. He doesn't shave. HE hasn't been to the salon. Let's just say 3 months in rehab might have fixed his emotional state, but if he's going to get back on the acting horse, he's got some work to do. He's completely emasculated. He helps Tori do everything kid related. He complains that the kids are all sleeping in the marital bed and he, a grown man, is in the toddler bed in the kids room. Tori's rebuffs that with "well, while you were gone (IN REHAB!!!) they wanted to sleep here with me". (Read: I need warmth. My body can't generate enough heat and I needed them) Well, that's no-no 101 in Getting Your Marriage Back --- that bed is for you and your husband. Not your kids. So....Dean is SOL. This man is going to have to work harder than he ever thought possible. He's going to pay with a chunk of his soul, maybe every day for years to come. His affair was stupid and fueled by his addictive personality. In fact, I wonder if HE can even remember all the details b/c he was so bombed? But the road ahead of him is lined with tiny little botox needles and he's going to have to walk bare foot.

I'm not saying you should watch the show. Unless you want to feel like you're doing pretty darn good at your own life!!! Then tune in on Tuesday night!!